mandy esposito - panamayear.com

16Oct/092

First half of october

It is common AFS wisdom that the third month living in a foreign country is almost always the hardest. It is considered the month in which the excitement of discovery dwindles; most things are no longer new and different. In this month, students settle down and start a routine. Eventually questions begin brewing in students´ head: This is it? Did I really travel all this way for this ordinary life?

Being roughly halfway through my third month, I can both support and negate such claims.

The first week of October was bad. It was the first time that I actually believed that I had made a mistake by coming here. Such sentiments were triggered by a series of random events and revelations, the first of which being an encounter with a stomach illness. I will spare all details (though just by sparing details I have implied many) and just say that I spent the majority of my days from Monday, September 28 through Saturday, October 3 on or around a toilet. I was too sick to play soccer or go out with friends and boredom took over.

The principal trigger, however, was my discovery of iTunes U, a service that provides video and audio recordings of courses from many of the world´s top universities. To pass my ample free-time, I began “taking” an interesting economics course recorded at Yale. The unforeseen side effects of watching the lectures were largely negative. The professor giving the lecture was animated and passionate and, even without sitting in the hall, I could feel the the presence of a powerful intellectual community, both of which my university lacks. This is to say that I truly realized what I was missing out on by being here.

These two factors, compounded by the continued frustration of dealing with a language barrier, prompted me to question why I ever came. I started thinking that this year is a waste: a year that contributes nothing to my “real life.”

A week later, I recognize these thoughts as destructive and immature. They stem not from my beliefs, but rather from those implanted by an inflexible society which values only a traditional model of success, that archetypal being: go to school, attend college, get a good job. Until now, I had planned to follow exactly that pattern, this year standing outside of what I considered to be my “real life.” But this thinking is incompatible with my current circumstances and has led me to question, as illustrated in the former paragraph, the legitimacy of my life in Panama. Increasingly, I have made efforts to integrate this year into my scheme of life and give it more meaning within that scheme. I would like to think that I am, in the words of Thomas Kuhn, experiencing a paradigm shift, a fundamental change in my perception of life and significance.

With such thoughts seeded in my mind, even if not sprouted, last week proved to be a huge improvement over the week before. And, much like bad thoughts and bad events led to a bad week, my positive thoughts were also accompanied by positive proceedings, including: 1. My stomach situation cleared up, 2. I felt better about my language and ability to communicate, 3. I have found more meaningful activities in which to participate.

I will break down the third point:

I have recently become involved with two activities that have both allowed me to pursue my interests and limited my free time, which was formerly extremely excessive.

Firstly, I have begun to take guitar lessons at the local music school. For a while now, I have wanted to learn to play either the guitar or piano. Having time this year, I thought it would be a good opportunity to do so, but was unsure about how to get started. Serendipitously, a friend of mine told me he was learning to play the piano at the music school, an institution of whose existence I was previously unaware. The next day I went to the school and $23 later I was fully matriculated, receiving two lessons a week (guitar included) until late December, when the semester ends.

Secondly, I have begun volunteering with Jakob (an AFS community service student living in Penonomé) at an orphanage-like institution called SOS Aldea Infantil. As one of over 2,000 facilities worldwide run by the international non-governmental organization SOS Children´s Villages, it focuses on “family based, long term care of children who can no longer grow up with their biological families.” The Aldea Infantil is literally a small village, consisting of about 15 houses, a common hall and a soccer field. Each house has one “mother” who watches over up to ten children. After the university, two or three times a week, I go and socialize with the children, playing soccer and card games or helping them with homework.

With these activities, plus the university and pick-up soccer games every night, for the fist time in over three months, I can finally say I am busy. And that is a good thing. My life feels complete. I have found intellectual stimulation, I am developing a creative outlet and I am giving back to my community. I finally feel like I am living a unique, meaningful experience that could only be found in Panama.

To top it all off, there are supposed to be some big parties this weekend. Life is good.

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13Oct/090

Guarare

Typical Panamanian dress, la pollera

A couple weekends ago, I went to El Festival Nacional de la Mejorana, a national celebration of Panamanian culture held in the city of Guararé. If you are interested in what typical Panamanian culture looks like, follow this link or click the picture above.

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25Sep/095

First two months

This is officially my first blog entry. I have been in Panama for close to 8 weeks, so it is more than a little late. This is because: 1. I did not decide to write a blog until a month into my stay and 2. I am a little lazy. Nonetheless, I am excited that I am finally writing and I think that after this initial post, the following entries will be much easier, as I won´t be facing the daunting task of summarizing two months of my life.

Luckily, I have already done a good amount of summarizing in The basics and the About sections of this website, which provide background information about how I decided to come here, the program I am in, my host family, my host city, etc. I advise that you explore these sections before you read this entry, which will deal more with the dynamic parts of my life than with the unchanging facts of my situation covered in the aforementioned sections.

My first month was, as expected, nothing more than a grand acclimation process.

I, and 14 other Americans, arrived in Panama on July 31. We were immediately brought to a 3 day orientation camp, where we met participants from other countries, ate mangoes and were introduced to the basics of Panamanian culture. On August 2, we said our goodbyes and dispersed throughout the country, heading to our new homes.

I would describe my welcome as awkward. Stepping off the bus, I recognized my mother from a photo and I gave her a hug. I greeted the young adults standing next to her as if they were my future siblings. Luckily, they were. We attempted talking to little avail. My mother showed me around the house and brought me to my new room. All the while, I could feel my new family observing me, trying to make out the character of “the boy that will live in our house for the next year.” It was an introduction shadowed by doubt and misunderstanding and I am glad to be past it.

The following weeks were worse than awkward. I have labeled them “Three Weeks of Solitude” after Gabriel García Márquez´s popular novel One Hundred Years of Solitude (a book that I very badly want to read in Spanish before I return to the States). I have never felt such isolation in my life as I felt those weeks. I did not know my house, my family or the culture. When I was hungry, I was unsure of what food I could eat. When I wanted to take a shower: where were the towels? I badly wanted to talk to my family; was there a computer in the house? Was I allowed to leave the house to explore the city? These simple questions hung in the air, a seemingly behemoth barrier of language and culture precluding the answers from making themselves known.

And so, I resigned myself to isolation. I slept for over 14 hours a day. I did not leave the house. I pretended to be content in my own world for fear of disturbing that of my new family.

My sad situation was not helped by a complete lack of structure in my life. For my first month here, the university which I currently attend was on break between terms. My mom and my brother were working, my older sister studying and my younger sister with friends. I was home alone in the house a good amount of the time, trying to entertain myself within the confines of my self-created boundaries. I believe that if I had a structured activity during that time, perhaps I would have broken free from my boundaries more quickly.

Side note: I forgot to mention that in my second week here, the misery and boredom I felt was thoroughly compounded by an allergic reaction. My face was splotchy and itchy. I went to the emergency room and I was given an antihistamine. The next morning it was about ten times worse (see photo). I went to a private clinic and I was prescribed two pills to take. It took a week to fully recover. The cause is still a mystery.

So, the first month was basically filled with a long series shenanigans. Thank god they are over with. I have now moved into a far better period of my experience. In fact, I have been heard, by friends, saying that I am starting to fall in love with this country.

Well, maybe I am not falling in love, exactly. I would still rather live in the States than here. What I mean to say is that I am truly happy with my situation. I am incredibly comfortable with my family and home. I have explored my city, and it is beautiful and vibrant. I started at the university and a good portion of my classes are intellectually stimulating. I am beginning to explore the culture through typical dance lessons. And, I have made good friends.

Which leads to my social life. Right now, I have two very good friends: Silvie Cox and Jakob Ossman, a Belgian and Autrian, respectively. They are AFS students living in my city. We hang out a lot and I truly enjoy their company. They are both very interesting people and I love comparing life experiences with them, usually finding that their countries have all but adopted American culture.

This is all good and well. However, we speak English together and I feel slightly awkward walking around in a group of three white kids. I did not come to Panama to hang out with Europeans. I am still in search of Panamanian friends.

This is not to say that I never hang out with Panamanians. On the weekends, especially, I go to clubs with a group of Panamanians consisting usually of my siblings or the siblings of my fellow AFS students and their friends. Further, I would call myself friends with many of these Panamanians. However, they are not MY friends, as I did not become friends with them through my own efforts but rather as a result of circumstances.

Finally, I know many of you want to know what I do on a daily basis. At this point, I have established myself and my schedule does not change very much from day to day.

On weekdays: I wake up at 6 in the morning and attend the university from 7-12. I come home and make myself lunch. From about 12:30 to 4:30 I have no structured activity. To fill time, I do homework, listen to music, read a book or go online. I want to find a meaningful activity to fill those hours, but for now its down time. At 4:30, nearly every day, I take a bus to a local soccer field and I play until dark. I get home around 7 and eat dinner. Down time until I go to bed at 10 or 11.

On weekends: No structured activities. Hang out with friends, internet, book, etc. At night I go to discotheques where there is dancing and other activities you might find in a nightclub.

I am sure I did a less than satisfactory job at summarizing my first two months here, probably leaving out huge chunks of my experience. But, trying to be as pithy as possible, I gave my best effort. Tonight, I am leaving for a festival in a nearby city, where I will be staying until Sunday. Please comment or ask questions below. Thanks for reading!

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29Aug/091

¡Hello World!

Just messing around with WordPress...trying to figure out how it works. How to upload photos, organize posts, etc. I can´t wait to get the blog and photos up and running.

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First half of october

Guarare

First two months

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